I knew I was gay from a very young age, though assigning a name to it would have been difficult. When I became a Christian in my late teens, I was involved with a hyper-fundamentalists group (an understatement), and they made it clear that these feelings were unacceptable (another understatement!). So because I was serious about my faith, I determined to “make it go away.” Not long afterwards, I enrolled in a church-sponsored school to pursue a career in the ministry and began dating a wonderful girl, whom I eventually married.
I think my passion for the ministry sublimated my same-sex desires for many years. Yes, at times they would surface…but for the most part, I was able to ignore them. Once in the ministry, especially as I became increasingly prominent in my hometown, it was important that I overcome this “forbidden” and hidden side of myself.
Eventually, I learned about the work of ex-gay ministries, and began to read books, attend workshops and going to counseling. I also got involved in a ex-gay “recovery” group. I listened to everything they taught me, and did all that I was told. I studied the Scriptures and memorized verses (actually, I memorized entire books of the Bible!) to “renew my mind.” I prayed, fasted, confessed my sins. I even confessed the sins of previous generations, since one book said my sins could have been handed down from previous generations. I was anointed with oil, went through “inner healing” of past/repressed emotional trauma…blah, blah, blah. Whatever new information came in about the “root cause” of my same-sex desires, I was onboard to try it.
The more I tried and the longer I worked at it, the more compelled I felt to portray myself as a success. After all, I was really trying, so I confidently told everyone that the program was working. During that time, I was being invited to speak about my experience of restoration and healing. In time, my testimony began to spread and I was being asked to share it with others—churches, conferences, etc. I was interviewed by a national religious magazine and did radio and TV shows. Several national ministries as well as local counselors consulted me as a resource for dealing with those wanting to change their sexual orientation. One national evangelist interviewed me for a staff position.
Gay and lesbian Christians began to seek me out for counseling. Or they were sent to me by their parents or church leaders. Since I was already involved Exodus International—the umbrella group of religious-based ex-gay programs—I decided to start a program in my hometown to help others with sexual identity issues. I served as Executive Director.
But through it all, I knew the feelings and desires were still there.
Yes, I did make the claim that the program was working. After all, it appeared to be working for everyone else...so what was wrong with me? How could I admit this to anyone? I’d been in those sessions when someone would confess a failure and the response was always very clear: it’s not the program’s fault, so the problem had to be the person who failed. (Do you wonder why the stats for ex-gay programs are so impressive? No one wants to admit they failed! And if someone leaves, they aren’t even counted in the stats.)
About 18 years into our marriage (after two children) I became disillusioned with the ministry. And it made no sense, because by all outward appearance, I was a success. I was Pastor of one of the fastest growing congregation in the state. I was featured in a national Christian magazine and invited to be a guest on several national TV programs. I had speaking engagements throughout the country, inviting me to come and teach the Bible or share my story. But inside, the struggles with my desires came more often and with greater intensity. Resisting also became more difficult.
During this time, I experienced several personal (and emotional) difficulties, including the death of two dear (gay) friends. I was burned out, and took a long, hard look at my life. After years of struggle, the feelings and desires were still there. So I had to admit that the process didn’t work. That’s when I left the ministry and my marriage rather than live a lie.
After my divorce, I moved to Southern California and came out as a gay man. It was a very tough time for me, because all that was important to me was gone or in shambles—my family, my ministry and my faith. I’d been taught that my Christian faith was incompatible with my sexual orientation and any future ministry opportunities were out of the question. It was like part of me had died.
Fortunately, not long afterwards, I found Evangelicals Concerned—a wonderful group of loving gay and lesbian Christians. They welcomed me, nurtured me and in time, allowed me to once again exercise my ministry gifts. I honestly don’t know where I would be today without their loving support. (A portion of the royalties from The Mind Set on the Flesh goes to this organization.)
I’m sure there are some sincere people involved in ex-gay groups, but they are sincerely wrong. And I’m not saying there aren’t some valuable lessons to be learned from these groups, but when the founding premise, presuppositions and purpose of these groups are wrong, there is little that can be praised about the outcomes. Because I was an active leader of one of these ministries, I know their goals, their processes…and their failures. Trust me: they don’t work!
Sadly, I’ve counseled many who’ve been damaged by these rigid programs. I lost one of my best friends who wanted desperately to change for his father, a Nazarene preacher. When he failed, he saw death as the only way to escape the inner conflict of his faith and sexuality. This is why I fight so hard against those who promote these programs and propagate their lies.
My “Ex-Gay” Story