Alternate question: Why do people feel the need to change their sexual orientation?
I think I’ve made it very clear that I’m adamantly opposed to the work of ex-gay programs and ministries. (Describing them as deceptive, dangerous and destructive should have been clues!). I think the very purpose for their existence—that sexual orientation should be changed—is wrong. And if you build your organization on that faulty premise, I can’t see that much good comes from anything you do. Combine that with the fact that the best in scientific research has shown that reparative therapy doesn’t work (and has been shown to cause harm) makes them seem like the outdated medical practices of using a lobotomy to treat depression or bloodletting to treat the flu.
But I still get people who question me: “If ex-gay programs are so bad, why do people go?” The opposite reaction comes from within the gay community: “Why would anyone go to an ex-gay program?”
Side note: The other question that comes up regularly is “What if someone is just not happy with being gay and wants to change?”
To me, that question is intricately related to the one we are examining here. I would want to know why a person is not happy with their sexual orientation and feels it needs to be changed. I suspect the answer would be tied to some of the reasons we’ll outline here. Therefore, the focus should be the lack of happiness, not the assumption it’s caused by an “abnormal” sexual orientation that needs to be changed.
I can’t pretend to guess the motivation of each person who makes the decision to change their sexual orientation; it’s probably as individual as those who enroll. I can examine my own reasons, as well as glean insight from those I counseled while executive director of an ex-gay ministry. I can draw from the many I’ve worked with in the years since leaving the program. In addition, I can utilize my extensive research and reading on the subject— extrapolating from people who were once involved and now (like me) write about their experience.
Here are some of the paraphrased reasons others have given for enrolling in an ex-gay program:
“My family made me go.”
“My dad said if I didn’t go to treatment, I couldn’t live at home.”
“I want to be able to get married have children”
“I don’t think I fit into the gay culture.”
“My church will not allow gay people as members.”
“It goes against my faith.”
“Being gay is an abomination.”
“I want to be normal.”
“My friends will turn their backs on me.”
“I’m afraid of being beaten up.”
“I might get AIDS.”
To begin with, I honestly believe there is not one singular reason why someone goes the ex-gay route. In fact, it might not even be possible to give a list of reasons. To me, the decision is prompted and propelled by an entire mindset (or paradigm) that’s been created around us and internalized within us. However, for the sake of this discussion, I’ve attempted to organize them into THREE primary factors.
Disclaimer: These three are so closely interconnected that it’s difficult to delineate one from the other, much less discuss them as separate entities; each exercise a distinct and powerful effect on the others.
(i.e., Which came first, the negative self-image about being gay, or the rigid religious indoctrination about the evils of homosexuality? To put it another way: Which is the cause and which is the result?)
The messages are everywhere around us. Some subtle, others blatant. They come at us from our family, our schools, our churches…our culture as a whole. They are broadcast to us on TV, in movies, music and advertising. We hear it plainly in hell-fire sermons and the posturing of political speeches. This constant diffusion of images tell a clear story: straight is normal. Clearly the only normal! Boy and Girl. Man and Woman. Male and Female. Adam and Eve.
Unfortunately, the message often goes beyond simply portraying “normal;” it clearly condemns homosexuality…and by default, the homosexual as well. Fundamental churches are the most notorious offenders. (With right-wing politician a close second!) Obviously, this negative religious rhetoric grows out of the fundamentalists’ narrow and rigid view of the Bible, but I suspect it’s often used by the clergy (and politicians) to identify a visible, tangible enemy which will rally the congregation (or constituency) and help in raising money. (e.g., “These sodomites are evil and will destroy the family, marriage, America, our children… [insert dire prediction here]. Send me $100 so I can continue my crusade for righteousness.”)
Author’s note: If you think I’m exaggerating, listen to these preachers, go to their websites or read their “marketing” materials. You can’t deny that the “gay issue” is mentioned often and used frequently as a fundraising tool!
Those who enter any treatment programs (drugs, alcohol, etc.) will usually say that someone insisted they get some help. There might have even been some kind of an intervention involved.
In the case of those who enroll in or just agree to attend an ex-gay program, the pressure can come from a variety of sources and in many different ways. It could be a “professional” referral, by a pastor or Christian counselor.
Author’s Note: I don’t want to discount the work of Christian pastors and counselors; I served those functions for many years. I certainly understand someone wanting to go to a counselor who possibly shares faith and values. My point has to do with those who are struggling with same-sex desires and go to a Christian counselor who has a pre-disposition against homosexuality. Of course the recommendation is going to be to change!
One counseling training program shows this on their website, when contrasting state licensing versus their certification: “State licensed therapists typically must be willing to accept homosexuality as a perfectly normal lifestyle…[on the other hand] An ordination or commission from a church or religious institution holds you accountable to the organization that issues it.”
Those who are struggling with sexuality will often visit websites and find the “success stories” of those who’ve completed the programs, along with over-hyped marketing (e.g., “we’ve helped thousands…”). These sites will usually contain slanted research, spurious methodology and inflated promises…all designed to get the person to enroll. And pay the money! (I cover this extensively in the section “Ten Myths of Ex-Gay Programs.”)
Many conservative faith communities make it very clear that homosexuality is unacceptable. Those who practice this “evil behavior” are vilified and not allowed to be part of those communities. If faith is an important element to someone struggling with sexual orientation, they will seek to change to maintain their faith and/or to appease their church family. (Or worse, they abandon their faith altogether. Sad!)
Of course, parents exercise considerable pressure. And rather than show love, patience and understanding they let the child know of their disappointment, fear or disgust. Many kids will try to change because they want to please their parents.
Tragically, many young people are told that if they don’t change, they will not be allowed to remain in the home. Occasionally we hear of those cases when a young person is forced to attend a program, often in a way that looks a lot like kidnapping.
Why do people go to ex-gay programs? I believe the primary reason is the significant pressure—imposed by others—to be “normal.” At some point, the struggling person might even come to “own” or incorporate the external influences. (“I was unhappy with being gay.” “I’m doing this for me.” “I wanted to do this.”) [Back to list]
2. Internalized Homophobia (and other negative emotions).
Author’s note: I know there’s a tendency to overuse this word, and some utilize it when it’s not warranted, and others use it to describe someone who hates homosexuals. But I’m using the two terms in the literal sense here: the person is afraid of being a homosexual.
Through my research, I think many people enter reparative programs out of fear. When it comes to specifics, it’s not possible for me to know what exactly they’re afraid of; in all likelihood, the person who’s struggling may not be able to put their fear into words either.
Obviously, those who oppose homosexuality are always presenting messages designed to create and increase fear: homosexual recruiting of young people, the vague “gay agenda,” the depravity within the gay community, the lascivious “gay lifestyle,” the immorality of gay sex, the predatory nature of gays toward straights, etc.
Perhaps they are afraid of rejection by family, friends and faith community; we all know that’s a very real possibility. Some might think that being gay will limit their social status, their business success or career path. It’s probably tied to the general idea of not being “normal,” which links it back to the previous section. (There was a time when it was considered abnormal to be left-handed, and many were forced to use their right hand in order to be seen as normal.)
For those with strong, conservative religious beliefs, there might be the fear of divine retribution, and eternal damnation. If a person has been involved…even casually…in a conservative church, they have undoubtedly heard the message that homosexuality is an “abomination,” that God has given up on those who give into these desires and that no homosexuals will go to heaven. (I have an extensive section on The Bible and Homosexuality which deals with the verses used to condemn homosexuals.)
It could be a fear of disease. Unfortunately, there is still the lingering notion that gay people are more susceptible to disease that other groups. This is a carry-over from when HIV and AIDS were seen as a “gay disease. Unfortunately, it’s also still a rally cry from some hyper-fundamental groups: gay people gets AIDS; AIDS is God’s judgment on gays.
If all that weren’t enough, the environment surrounding us (External Pressures) feed these fears, as well as breed a host of other negative emotions, becoming a bubbling cauldron (pardon the mixed metaphor) of self-image issues for the person struggling with same-sex attractions. Everything from low self-esteem to depression to anxiety to hopelessness…and thoughts of (or attempts of) suicide.
Why do people go to ex-gay programs? It might be the simple fear of what it means to be gay in a culture that has a strict (and limit) view of “normal.” This fear, and other negative emotions, lead to an internal need to change in order to conform to the external pressures of society and relieve the internal fear. [Back to list]
I remember a friend of mine telling me about his journey of coming out. Just as he was beginning to acknowledge his same-sex attractions, his parents hired an interior decorator to re-do their living room. According to my friend, the man who showed up was swishy, flamboyant and very effeminate; he could have been sent from central casting, if they were looking for the stereotype.
He saw the way his parents snickered behind this guy’s back, and heard the way they made fun of him. This was now his parents’ perception of what a gay person was, and he didn’t know how to tell them that he was gay, too.
It could be that those who discover they have homosexual feelings have some false impression about what that means. Misconceptions about what it means to be homosexual can come from at least two sources: distorted images and inaccurate information. In both cases, our society as a whole contributes to the fallacy. These misconceptions can cause uncertainly, anxiety and fear, and prompt a person to try and change (or at least deny) their orientation. In the same way, those around us might also be operating from misunderstandings, which causes them to be concerned, reticent or openly hostile.
What it means to be a homosexual
If the only concept of gay people comes from sitcoms or gay pride parades, it’s a skewed perception. If the only image of gay people are stereotypes, it’s an incomplete picture.
The concept of same-gender sex
I’ve talked with those who know they are attracted to the same sex, but have no idea what that means or would imply when it comes to physical intimacy. And unfortunately, same-sex physical activities are regularly used like racial slurs. (Pardon the candor: muff diver, cock suckers, butt packers, etc.)
I’ve often been told by those going into an ex-gay program that they felt “dirty” when they acted on their desires. Perhaps this is related to the content and context of furtive, casual encounters…which is often how many have their first sexual experience.
Maybe they are feeling an inconsistency or incompatibility between homosexual behavior and their religious beliefs. This is probably more of a guilt response to the external pressure than a tinge of conscience. In other words, we feel guilt and shame because we’ve been told it’s shameful. (Self-fulfilling prophesy) It would be akin to the stigma that came with an unmarried woman getting pregnant back in the 1950s.
The certainty of disease
There is still the prevailing notion—especially in hateful fundamental rhetoric—that if you are gay, you are going to get AIDS and die. But since we know how the disease is transmitted and contracted, there is no reason to think it’s inevitable.
“The American Dream”
Many may think that if they are gay, they will not be able to fall in love, get married and have a family. With all the negative attention given to same-sex marriage and adoption, along with the inaccurate information being disseminated, it could lead someone to believe it’s not possible, so they seek to change in order to fulfill their dream.
The guarantee of unhappiness
Back in the 1970s, one fundamentalist pastor wrote a book called The Unhappy Gays, which asserted that a life of homosexuality was destined for unhappiness, misery, disappointment, etc. The popularity of this book has permeated the conservative/fundamentalist mindset (I still see it quoted and recommended on ex-gay sites) and the premise—being gay is synonymous with being unhappy—is often presented from conservative pulpits as a foregone conclusion. No one would consciously choose a life of misery, so they choose instead to try and change what they see as the source of unhappiness.
Behavior versus Orientation
Some—especially those in conservative/fundamental circles—focus only on behavior when they talk about homosexuality. It becomes easy for those dealing with same-sex attraction to incorporate that mentality and see their orientation only as something they do, not part of who they are. Those who preach against gay behavior will disseminate exaggerated information about everything from sexual activities (gerbils?) to the average number of sexual partners (hundred? thousands? Per year? Every month?). They use terms like “sexual brokenness” and talk about experiencing same-sex temptations. It’s easy then to confuse same-sex desires with these negative images.
It’s also quite possible that some who have negative, harmful behaviors which need to be changed (sexual addictions, drug or alcohol abuse, harmful relationships, anonymous sexual encounters, etc.) will mistakenly seek the help of reparative programs to change orientation…when that is not the problem at all.
Another negative impression of being gay has to do with the overuse (and misuse) of the term “gay lifestyle.” When those who opposes homosexuals use it, you can tell it has a shadow, almost malevolent connotation to it. It’s used often in ex-gay circles, and almost always as a contrast to those who are in treatment. (It’s an either-or situation. You are either in treatment, or you are in the gay lifestyle.) So when a person begins to recognize these new desires, they might wonder how they fit into this horrible “gay lifestyle.”
Why do people go to ex-gay programs? Quite possibly, they have some inaccurate concepts of what it means to be gay. These misconceptions have been molded by society, culture and personal spheres of influence (parental, religious, etc.) and then internalized.
These are just three reasons that I’ve complied from the extensive lists I’ve heard, seen and read. For each of us, the motivation to consider (or decide) entering an ex-gay treatment program can vary. But I do think the above explanations serve to summarize the issues involved.
What do you think?
If you enrolled in an ex-gay program, or are currently enrolled, did I cover your reasons? Can you think of others that I might have missed?
Give me your input. Use the Feedback Form, and I’ll post them on our Interaction Page.
Why do People go to (and stay in) Ex-Gay Programs?
There’s an unhealthy, symbiotic relationship between ex-gay programs and conservative (fundamentalists) ministers, though I often wonder if ministers really know (or care) what goes on in these reparative programs. It’s no secret that those from conservative (fundamental) religious communities are the primary supporters of ex-gay programs, and these programs target them for fundraising. And it doesn’t take long to discover that the majority of ex-gay treatment programs flow out of—and are typically tied to—a conservative religious entity, such as a church.
Too often, the problem with these counselors is not their desire to help the client, but the fact that they’re unenlightened about the complex nature of sexual orientation, or hold a prejudice about the cause (sin) and the potential for “cure.” Some so-called Christian counselors might have little expertise, beyond their ministerial training. In those cases, the emphasis is on their conservative theology, not on the accepted, best practices of the mental health profession. (e.g., the best in scientific research has shown that these programs do not work.) The credentialing/certification process for Christian counselors is different than those of licensed psychologists or psychiatrists. With a degree in theology, and some extra coursework, a person could become a certified counselor by some of the national associations. (e.g., National Christian Counselors Association and the American Association of Christian Counselors)
Not everyone who disagrees with me is a homophobe, and I try to make that distinction. I personally think there are some who are just ignorant of gays in general and gay issues in specific. There are some who don’t hate…they’re just indifferent for whatever reason. I also think there are those who may not support certain gay issues (e.g., marriage equality) due to religious beliefs, but it’s not about hatred. Then there are those who—for whatever reason (religious, political)—actively work to suppress gays, using lies and deception to advance their agenda of inequality. That’s not fear, just bigotry, oppression and hatred.
It is true teen suicides are higher in the gay community, and I’ve read that addictions are higher….but I think of this as symptoms of being gay in a culture of rejection and hate, rather than a response to the actual realization of one’s sexual orientation.
Granted, things are better today than in previous times. More and more, we are seeing a variety of images that represent the diversity of the gay/lesbian community. But the old images—the stereotypes—don’t vanish quickly. So, stereotypes might be all parents know about homosexuality, making them afraid for their children. Parents might be afraid of their little girls turning into a masculine lesbian. Fathers could worry about their son being a sissy.
This is due, I think, to our previous observations and can be blamed on a repressive culture that offers few positive role models for gay sexuality and imposes a strict and narrow definition of “normal.” Those who find themselves with same-sex attractions are often forced to act on these desires in secret…often unsafe…environments.
For some, that’s “proof” of the wrongness of those desires (i.e., if it were right, would I feel so bad?). But again, I see it as responses to the pressure of external indoctrination and internalized fear and self-hatred.
Few have created a greater stereotype (particularly within the conservative Christian community) than Tim LaHaye and this book. LaHaye is not (NOT!) a psychologist or a mental health professional; he is an evangelist and pastor, and author of the popular “Left Behind” series of books. In The Unhappy Gays, he makes sweeping, unfounded claims about everything from why gays are unhappy (he gives 16 reasons, which are mostly caused by culture but some are just speculation, conjecture and outright deception) to the three reasons people “become” gay—the tired triad of smothering mother, domineering mother and absent/passive father.
It’s this confusion—or deception—about sexual identity versus sexual behavior that forms the basis of ex-gay treatment; they concentrate on changing a person’s behavior, not the orientation. But remember: a celibate gay person is not “cured;” they are just a gay person who’s not having sex. A gay person who marries a person of the opposite gender is not straight; they are just a married gay person.
Very few terms anger me the way this one does. It’s code used by extreme right-wingers to vilify gay people and scare their constituents/congregations. It’s inaccurate, dismissive and designed to characterize all gay people in a negative light. “Lifestyle” conjures up images of debauchery, promiscuity, multiple sex partners, casual sexual encounters, etc. While that may be true of some gay people, it’s equally true of non-gay people. There’s no such thing as a “gay lifestyle,” any more than there’s a black lifestyle, a Jewish lifestyle or a female lifestyle. To use this term is just another form of prejudice and perpetuates a deceptive image.
