A Deeper Dive into me
Since you opened this longer version, I’m gonna assume you’re interested in learning more about me.
Without rivaling War and Peace in verbosity, I’ll highlight important sections, though as my Protagonist in A Double-Minded Man points out, real life is never so neatly arranged.
I was born and raised during the historic civil rights advance in Birmingham, Alabama, which many consider an epicenter of the movement. When I entered high school, it was the first year of forced desegregation; I’d never attended school with black children. (One teacher quit rather than teach black kids!)
Later, as Editor of our newspaper, I was invited to be part of an Interracial Harmony Committee, and I heard from the displaced black students—their concerns, fears, struggles, and their anger. I listened to the bigotry and misinformation of those opposed to having black students bussed in.
It was my introduction to the civil rights struggle—up-close and personal. Those lessons stayed with me.
A Fundamental Change in My Life
I wasn’t raised in church, though we’d go occasionally with my grandparents. In college, I agreed to help a Methodist youth group with a drama presentation. One night, during a performance, I had a quiet, but deeply transformative experience. To this day, it’s more profound than my ability to assign words or phrases (e.g., “born again,” “saved”) or explain it. It wasn’t emotional, empirical, or even rational, so I can’t…won’t…defend or debate it. I liken it to John Wesley’s description of a similar experience, where he said, “my heart was strangely warmed.”
Shortly afterwards, I got involved in an extreme fundamentalist home Bible study. The essential emphasis was on studying and learning Scripture; it was the way to know God.
(Members would ask one another how much time they’d spend “in the Word” that week, and quiz one another on essential doctrines.)
The authority and inerrancy of Scripture was tantamount. The teachings were patriarchal, authoritarian, nationalistic, and militaristic.
Personal Note: I could spend hours detailing how exacting it was, and the bizarre “truths” we were taught, but suffice it to say it took significant effort and time to unspool the condemning, guilt-filled, shaming “tapes” they imbedded in my head.
Ministry & Family
Nonetheless, my involvement started me on a life-long relationship to the Bible. I voraciously read, studied, and memorized it. I shared what I was learning with enthusiasm, which led to being asked to speak at local churches and groups, such as Campus Crusade for Christ and Intervarsity Christian Fellowship. People seemed to enjoy hearing me speak, so I determined to pursue ministry as a vocation.
I married during my second year in college. Our son was born just prior to my graduation. Throughout our time in college and seminary, we worked in the youth ministry at various churches in Texas and Birmingham.
I earned a B.A. in Religion, with double minors in English and Psychology from a Southern Baptist-sponsored University. My graduate training was also at a Southern Baptist-sponsored seminary, where I continued my concentration in applied theology, administration and Biblical languages. As part of my undergraduate and graduate education in biblical studies, my coursework included a total of three years of Greek (New Testament) and four years of Hebrew (Old Testament), hermeneutics (Biblical interpretation), church history and systematic theology.
Clarification: I don’t share this to flaunt my education, experience, and background. I’m merely precluding those who inevitable ask, “Haven’t you read what the Bible says in…?” or the blanket comeback of “You really need to read your Bible.” In other words: I have read my Bible. In multiple translations and several languages.
Pastoral Success
During a summer break from seminary, a church in our hometown without a pastor asked me to speak. It was supposed to be a one-and-done Sunday morning substitution, but I remained there for nearly 11 years. Our daughter was born during our first year.
By all outward appearance and criteria, we were successful, becoming one of the fastest growing congregations in the state— going from around 100 in attendance to hundreds in multiple services. I was featured in the local newspaper, national Christian publications, and was a guest on national TV programs. I worked with several well-known evangelists, coordinating crusades and training volunteers. I held workshops for the staff of a religious television network.
We had an active, expansive outreach, which included pregnant unwed teenagers and reading programs for inner city children. Our Sunday services drew an unusual (at the time) mixture of people of various races, denominational backgrounds, and socioeconomic statuses.
An Unwanted Secret
But that outward success didn’t correlate with the turmoil going on inside me.
From a young age, I knew I was “different,” though assigning a name to it would have been difficult. All of my early sexual experiences had been with other boys. But once I embraced the Christian faith, I quickly learned my attractions were unacceptable.
(What an understatement!)
My Quest for “Healing”
I sincerely wanted to please God, and was serious about following Christ, so I knew my “unnatural” lusts had to go away. Naively, I was confident I could memorize enough Scripture verses—entire books of the Bible, in fact—to “transform” my mind (cf: Romans 12:1-2) and thus eliminate the impulses. I also figured that getting married would “fix” the problem—God’s righteous design would triumph over my unholy desires.
Around this time, I learned about those who claimed to cure, fix or repair sexual orientation, designated as “unwanted same -sex attraction.”
I heard their compelling testimonies of victory over the sin of homosexuality.
I poured over their persuasive marketing brochures, and listened to cassette tapes filled with definitive promises of transformation.
This was my answer!
I went to counseling, attended workshops, and read every book on the subject I could acquire. Each new voice, with their fresh insights toward “sexual wholeness,” got my attention. When I came across new information about the (supposed) “root cause” of my urges, I confronted it with ardent hope. Any new “technique” to eradicate the desires—regardless of how irrational it might sound—I was a willing subject. I prayed, I fasted, and I confessed my sins. I even confessed the sins of previous generations, since I was told that my sexual attractions could have been handed down from previous generations. I was anointed with oil, had demons cast out, and went through “inner healing” of past/repressed emotional trauma, including anything that might have occurred to me in my mother’s womb.
Author’s Side Note: It all sounds so asinine in retrospect, but I hope it gives a hint of the desperation…and urgency…I felt. I also think my experiences (and others like me) reveal a foundational problem with these groups and their programs: they have no idea what causes a person to be gay, so finding a “cure” is something akin to “Whack-a-Mole” game at the arcade. There is little agreement on methodology. Most of the leaders are not mental health professionals, there is no science behind their approach (quite the contrary, in fact), nor is there any oversight into the practices or the practitioners. Because they are rooted in religious practice and theory, and operate as a “ministry,” they can do whatever they choose, which can run the gamut from the inane to the bizarre. The one thing these groups…and their techniques…share is they do not work!
An Unexpected Spotlight
As instructed by the “ex-gay” experts, I used my words to “speak those things that are not as if they are.” (cf: Hebrews 11:1) Like some Christian incantation, we spoke what we wanted, not what we felt.
Say it, then you’ll see it.
I was believing God to take away my abnormal feelings by proclaiming, in faith, the ultimate outcome I was envisioning:
(i.e., Not: “I’m gay,” but “I have homosexual tendencies.”)
I wanted to help the young people who came to me, but honestly, their struggles…their sometimes-graphic stories…were a constant reminder that my own hidden feelings and repressed desires were still there. I consciously pushed down the guilt and shame as I directed them to follow the same disciplines I was pursuing.
Who knows? Maybe it will work for them.
Implosion!
It was a series of events that brought down my “ex-gay” house of cards, including the deaths of two dear (gay) friends, one by suicide and another with AIDS. Both hit me hard. I limped on, disillusioned, until I burned out, emotionally and spiritually. I took a long, honest look at myself: the “desires” had not gone away, and resisting the temptations had become more difficult. It began to affect me emotionally, spiritually and physically. I ended up in the hospital, exhausted. I finally admitted—after years of extended, strenuous,
sincere efforts—that nothing had changed.
The process did not work for me.
Personal Note: I assumed the ones who spoke with confidence about their transformation were better…more dedicated… Christians than I was. (In the decades since then, I’ve learned most of them had the same conflicts, questions and doubts. Many have also left the “ex-gay” world and come out.) Rather than live a lie, I resigned as Pastor, and I stepped down from my executive director role with “Coming Back.”
Within a few months, my marriage was over.
I was confused and depressed because the important elements of my life were gone or in shambles—my faith, my family, my home…my ministry. In my mind, I hadn’t just failed. I was a failure. One night, in the solitude of my studio apartment, I sat with bottle of Bourbon and a pistol, ready to end my life.
I screamed into the room: “I’m done.”
There’s no way to explain it, but deep within me, a “still, small voice” responded: “I’m not.”
That gave me enough hope to see what could happen next.
My Journey to Reconciliation
A few months later, I moved to Southern California for a new job, and “came out” as a gay man.
Fortunately, not long after my relocation, I found a wonderful gathering of loving gay and lesbian Christians. They welcomed me, loved me, and nurtured me. They became my family, helping to heal my heart and restore my faith.
I didn’t speak of my “ex-gay” past, especially my leadership.
One night in a home Bible study, several young men related their stories of trying to change their sexual orientation. I was horrified at what they’d endured at the hands of “Christian ministries.” One had numerous attempts to end his life. A few had been kicked out of their homes and churches. Most spoke of the spiritual and emotional trauma it caused, and the lasting scars in their lives.
Had I done that to anyone in my “Coming Back” ministry?
Did I wound them in similar ways?
The thought broke my heart.
More guilt and shame.
I spent that evening in my apartment, crying in remorse.
How could I ever “atone” for my actions?
I met a young man working on his Ph.D. who’d also been in one of these programs, and we talked about our experiences. We became best friends. To him, I could express my conflict and voice the shame at my unsuccessful effort to become heterosexual. We also talked about the remorse I now felt for my part in harming others.
He helped me to “come out” as a former leader, and I shared my own “ex-gay” story at a conference.
Even though I was aware it would never be sufficient, I issued an apology for my involvement in “ex-gay” leadership. (see below)
Confronting the Damage that I’d Caused
I wouldn’t pretend it didn’t happen. I couldn’t ignore what I had done. What I’d said. What I’d taught.
I couldn’t excuse it with a passing, “Well, I only shared what I had been Taught” or “I was deceived too.”
I could never undo the damage or heal the hurt.
There was no coping out on this.
Now I had a new focus. A driving motivation.
I would expose the myths that fueled these groups.
I would refute their promises, and I would expose their lies
I would debunk their techniques.
And for 30+ years, that’s what I’ve endeavored to do!
Numerous publications have featured my “ex-gay” survivor story and continue to seek out my personal insights on this subject. I’m honored to be a single voice that has since been joined by many others, including other former “ex-gay” leaders.
While in California, speaking at a national gathering of LGBTQ Christians, I met some people from a newly formed, predominately gay-lesbian congregation in Fort Worth, Texas looking for their first Pastor. They wanted me to “candidate” for the position, and the church voted to “extend a call.”
(That’s how I got to Texas.)
I remained in that position for four years.
Yes, I have regrets about my past.
Sometime the quilt was crippling. I took comfort…and motivation…from the words of Maya Angelou “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”
Back then, I didn’t know what I didn’t know…until I knew it. I know better now.
And I’ve endeavored to do better!
I wrote an apology (see below) to those I’d harmed. I had one-one-one conversations. Some were cordial, some were tense. A few were gracious and understanding. I never defended my actions; I just allowed them to speak their mind. We were sometimes able to come to a place of peace, but at times, we ended the conversation with the same tension as we began. I had hurt them, they blamed me, they could not…would not…forgive me.
It was a hard lesson.
Life…and Death…in the NOW
In 1999, just after I met my partner-now-husband, we learned I had Prostate Cancer. Statistically, I was young for such a diagnosis, so we treated it aggressively, with radical surgery and radiation. For 12 years, I was cancer-free, but it returned. Later, it metastasized. We continued with various forms of treatment protocols. Some more effective than others. The effects of the treatments severely limit my energy levels, and therefore my activities.
From the beginning, I wrote about my experience, the treatments, the surprises, the insights, and the challenges.
In 2025, after finishing a new form of radiation that had proven very effective on many, my oncologist informed me that it had no effect. My cancer was spreading fast, and it was no longer responding to treatments. He gave me a few months to live.
As I write this, I’ve signed up for hospice care which will then transition to palliative care. With what time I have left, I’m spending it with my beloved husband, talking to my family and friends, and continuing to share my observations, thoughts, and experiences, mostly on my Facebook page.
Truly, not much of my life is how I envisioned it.
However, I can honestly say: I’m grateful.
Sometimes, it’s a choice to “give thanks,” but most of the time, I’m engulfed in a sense of gratitude.
My “Ex-Gay” Apology
It’s been many years since I was involved in “ex-gay” leadership, but I know—as a survivor who also endured the treatment—that the harmful effects last for a long time. My initial involvement was prompted by a sincere, but misguided, desire to change my sexual orientation. I was motivated by the expectations of those around me, as well as my desire to fix what I perceived…what I’d been told…was broken.
I honestly hoped the techniques would work; I did what they said I should do. I also said the things I was told to say, which was part of the deception. It involved “speaking the truth” in a future tense as a confession of faith; say what you want to be true.
(In other words, I said I was healed, when I wasn’t, because saying it would make it so.)
More regrettably, I promised it would work for others. I know that because of my testimony, others joined these programs, and experienced harm in their selfacceptance. Because of my teachings, writing, and public appearances, parents might have been encouraged to push their children in the direction of reparative treatment.
Please know that I regret my actions of the past. I did not intentionally deceive anyone, but that doesn’t change the fact that we were deceived. I won’t make excuses, but I will only say that I was acting on what I believed was right at the time.
I was deceived, and I deceived.
I see now that I was wrong.
God has changed my perspective.
When I was involved back in the 80s, information was not as freely available.
(This was long before Google!)
I take some comfort in the fact that the lies and deception of these groups are more exposed these days. More and more “ex-gay” leaders have abandoned their roles and are speaking out against the teachings of these groups. Major medical and mental health professions have come out against this kind of treatment. Cities, states and even entire countries have made conversion therapy illegal for children.
In the long run, I believe truth will prevail.
Please forgive me for my past involvement.
Please forgive me for perpetuating the deception.
I ask that you also forgive me if you were hurt, harmed, or damaged in any way by ‘exgay” treatment.
Here’s the Truth: you do not have a sin that needs to be forgiven, a problem that needs to be solved, or an illness that needs to be cured.
You are who God created you to be.
I pray you can embrace that truth and live in your transparency.
Thank you.
Bill Prickett, Author