12/29/2022 2:42 am

I will freely admit there’s been an excessive amount of random crying. It usually comes on with no warning.
(There goes my butch, macho image!)

Reading all the thoughtful comments on my page triggered more tears.

Well, except for some person I didn’t know—a friend of a friend?—who responded to my post…and my diagnosis…with the LOL emoji.
When I questioned them privately, they quoted a Bible verse and “explained” this could be God’s way of getting my attention, so I’d repent and turn my life over to Jesus.
(I loathe that kind of harsh theology! I want nothing to do that kind of god!)

I “blessed” them (i.e., “Bless your heart”)…then blocked them.
Buh Bye!
How’s that for LOL?

Right now, I don’t know what I don’t know.
I have an appointment with my Oncologist in 2 weeks.
I’m waiting on the radiologist to get in touch with details about the treatments—how many, how long, etc.

The not-knowing allows my mind to try and fill in the blanks of what could happen, or what it might mean.
Sometimes, the thoughts can go dark, with worst-case scenarios.
A pointless waste of time, I know, but reality, nonetheless.

Fear is powerful.
Questions are relentless.
Feelings…emotions…are all over the place.
(My treatment medication messes with my hormones, so moods can be a rollercoaster on a good day. My poor hubby is getting the brunt of my current emotional turmoil.)

It's all so grueling. And exhausting.
I'm frazzled.

Yesterday, I powered down the computer, muted the phone, and the TV stayed off.
I spent the day, alone in my thoughts.
Which has been chaotic at times, with all the "what if" specters shouting in my brain.
I did some reading…to distract.
And some journaling…to process.

Eventually, I gave into my fatigue and yes, my sadness, and went to bed.
A large amount of time yesterday involved sleeping.

I’m sure this Prickett Pity Party will ebb and flow / come and go in the days ahead, but for now, I choose to stop wallowing. 
I have relied on my faith for many years, and this time will be no exception.
I don’t know what’s next, but I remind myself that I will not face it alone. In my own strength.

I will continue to spend time in prayer, fasting, and contemplation, seeking divine peace and comfort to replace the fear.
And it’s humbling to know that my prayers are combined with many more, as I saw in the lovely comments on my page yesterday.

Also, I’m actively employing some of the wonderful principles of Cognitive Therapy and self-talk to refocus my thoughts and quell fears about things that haven’t happened.
Might never happen.

My mantra at this point is: I’ll face what’s next as it comes.
When it comes.
If it comes.

Until then…I’ll concentrate on things I can do.
Things I want to do.
That need to be done.
And I wait!

Again…thanks.
I love you all!

Oh, and #CancerSucks